Toilet Paper: The Alternate Ending
by DangerDash
Summary: After the events of Season 7 Episode 3, Eric and Kyle find that they have a true connection. Following this, lots of things happen. Some fucked up, some fappable, some cute, and all hilarious! Lots of shocking secrets will be revealed, and both the mountain town and the whole world will be changed forever. Rated M for sex, death, and because it's South Park. (Kyman)
1. I: The Not-So Innocent Boat Ride

"What's this all about, Cartman?"

"I just wanted to see how you're doing, Kyle. Why don't we go out for a little boat ride?"

"A boat ride?"

"I just thought we should find a private place to... talk."

"Well, okay."

Cartman reluctantly leaves behind the cinderblock, and loads the chain into the rowboat.

"What's that for?"

"You'll see, Kyle. You'll see."

Kyle paused for a moment. "Are you going to try and kill me?"

At that moment, Eric began rowing the boat into the middle of Stark's Pond. Kyle was panicking. "Holy shit, Cartman! Why do you want to kill me?" Kyle was knocked to the ground by an oar, and blacked out.

When he awoke, he was bound by chains. "Cartman! What the FUCK are you doing?!"

"You'll see, you Jewish rat."

Kyle felt the cold breeze and the mist from the pond. He realized his shirt and pants had been removed. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU FAT FUCK?!"

"I'm not fat, I'm big-boned! You'll see just HOW big my bones are in a moment, Kyle."

"Cartman, if you take my underwear off, I will beat your fat ass!"

"I intend to do worse than take it off."

Cartman removed his clothes, and surprisingly, his penis was about 4 inches when erect. (Even due to the future incident with "Actual boys penis sizes")

Cartman then slid off Kyle's underwear. His penis was actually quite large as well, a good 3.75 inches.

"Well, who'd have expected the Jew to start growing pubes this young?"

"F-fuck you!"

"It was a compliment, Kyle. Nice firecrotch."

"Jump in the lake, you overweight prick."

Cartman began to gently massage Kyle's penis.

"What are you doing?!"

"Nothing you don't want me to, Kyle."

"Huh? What the fuck?"

"Don't worry, my love. I'll be gentle."

"Love? You... love me?"

Kyle's penis grew erect at the thought. Cartman noticed this instantly.

"Oh, what's this? Why are you hard? I thought you hated me..."

Eric understood now. Kyle had secretly had feelings for him as well.

"W-well, Jew. How about..."

Cartman leaned a bit closer.

"How about a ki-"

He managed to get that out before Kyle thrust his head forward and locked lips with Eric. After a minute or so of this, Cartman pulled away and stopped rubbing Kyle's penis. Eric unchained him, and Kyle stood up. Eric began to suck his cock, and Kyle was moaning quite loudly.

"Mmmmmmh, Eric... don't stop. Oh yeah, that's good. Just like that. Right there. RIGHT there. Oh, god."

Eric began to gently squeeze Kyle's ass. He stopped sucking for a moment.

"Does that hurt? Do you want me to stop touching your ass?"

"I've never seen you show so much genuine concern for me. N-no, that's fine. I like it."

Kyle smiled. Eric began to suck again, and Kyle started to massage Eric's penis. Eric was enjoying it, Kyle could tell. Suddenly, Eric stopped sucking again.

"Do you want to go all the way, Kyle?"

Kyle dropped to his hands and knees.

"Only every day of my life."

Kyle had a smirk on his face, and was waiting for Eric to insert his penis. Eric slid his penis into Kyle's tight virgin asshole. His balls slapped against Kyle's ass. Eric slowly thrust back and forth.

"Does THAT hurt?"

"No. Feels great!"

"Can I go faster?"

"Yes, please!"

Eric sped up a bit. He leaned forward a bit and began to rub Kyle's nipples. Eric couldn't last much longer, and he knew it. He managed to hold it for 5 minutes.

"Kyle! I'm going to pee! In or out?"

"From what I've seen on the Internet, it feels better inside!"

Eric blew his hot load inside Kyle. A moment later, Kyle ejaculated as well.

"Dude, this isn't pee."

"What the fuck is this, Kyle?"

"I don't know. Looks like milk."

Cartman scraped his finger through some and licked it off his finger.

"Doesn't taste like it. It tastes sweet. Did we just piss FROSTING?"

"No, Eric. We can't piss frosting."

"Oh yeah."

They noticed a small crowd of people watching from land. There was Sheila Broflovski, Liane Cartman, a group of pedophiles, Linda Stotch, and Mr. Garrison.

"Don't look at this, Mr. Hat." shouted Mr. Garrison.

"OH MY GOD!", shrieked Sheila.

"Maybe they're just curious..." Linda said, mouth agape.

"Goodness..." Liane shouted.

The pedophiles just smiled.

Officer Barbrady walked up on the scene.

"All right, move along folks, nothing to see here..."


	2. II: Clyde Sucks Ass

"Boys, what in the Hell was that?" Officer Barbrady asked sternly.

"Love. Not that you'd understand love," replied Eric, clothed again.

"What do you mean I wouldn't understand love?" Barbrady asked.

"We know that your dad used to hit you with a belt. We also know that you dressed up as a girl and sat on your uncles' laps!" Cartman answered, smirking. He flipped open his cell phone to reveal Josh's phone number.

The police officer stood there in horror. He asked for a minute to use the restroom. Then there was a gunshot. Cartman laughed.

"Jesus!" Kyle screamed.

"Heh, looks like I converted a Jew to Christianity," the fat boy chuckled.

Kyle couldn't help but laugh. It was pretty funny.

"Well, let's get the fuck out of here." Cartman suggested.

3 days later, at school, Craig approached Kyle and Eric while they walked down the hallway holding hands. Most of the school knew about it by now.

"Eric, you're so lucky!" exclaimed Craig.

"Back off, Craig. This Jew is mine!" Cartman said protectively.

"Not that. If I could make a policeman shoot himself in the bathroom, I would be sooooo happy," Craig told them.

"Oooooookay..." Kyle said, terrified of what fucked up thoughts were behind that blank expression of his.

Craig walked off, and Clyde walked up to them.

"Hey fags," he taunted.

"Go fuck yourself, Clyde, because nobody else wants to." Cartman retorted.

"What if I don't? Will you sit on me, fatass?" Clyde baited, trying to get one of them to snap.

"No, but I'll beat the shit out of you!" Kyle said, holding Eric back.

"With what? Your Jew-Jitsu?" laughed Clyde.

"Leave them alone, C-C-Clyde!" defended Jimmy, coming over to him with his crutches.

"It's okay if they want to be ga..." Jimmy tried to say, but stuttered.

"It's okay if th-they want to be gaaaaaaa... to be gaaaaa..." he tried. They could tell he was trying very hard, and patiently waited.

"if they want to be g-gay!" Jimmy finally managed.

"Yeah!" shouted Stan. Stan and Kenny were fully supportive.

Then, Kenny actually took his hood down to make a point.

"If they love each other, then that's fine! Fuck off, Clyde!" yelled Kenny.

"Leave them alone, Clyde!" said Wendy.

Suddenly all of their friends crowded around Clyde. Among them were Butters, Token, Timmy, and Bebe.

They all started beating Clyde up, except Timmy. Timmy ran over his foot in his wheelchair. "TIMMY!" he exclaimed.

That day at lunch, the two had a chat with Chef.

"Hello there, children!" he said cheerfully.

"Hey Chef," they replied.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Bad," they answered.

"Why bad?" he asked.

"Everyone's making fun of us," they sighed.

"Why the Hell are they doing that?" Chef asked, outraged.

"Because we're gay," they answered.

"Oh, well that was unexpected, but I'm happy for you!" Chef replied.

"Sorry, children. You have to move along, you're holding up the line," he said.

Eric and Kyle walked away.

"Good luck!" Chef called to them.

"Now, what do we do from here?" Kyle asked Eric.

"I don't know..." he replied.


	3. III: Ruining Clyde's Life

Kyle and Eric sat down at a table with Kenny, Stan, Token, and some other kid.

"Cartman- eh, Eric..." Kyle began.

"Yeah, Kyle?" Eric replied.

"It's been a week since the Clyde incident. Lighten up," said Kyle, being as cheerful as possible.

"If one person thinks that, who knows how many others think it?" Eric worried.

"Eric, did you see how many people jumped Clyde? Even BUTTERS got in there and fucked him up! Little, innocent, kind-hearted BUTTERS!" Stan said, trying to make him happy.

"Heh, yeah, you're right," Eric giggled.

"Mmph mmph hmm hmph hmph mmh!" Kenny said, his hoodie muffling his speech.

"You're right, Kenny. I need to get back at him," Eric said, a villainous smirk on his face.

"We'll all set up some sort of prank or something, just to screw up his day!" Stan laughed.

"Mmph MMPH!" Kenny exclaimed.

"That's the spirit!" said Kyle.

That night, Eric snuck into Clyde's house through the window. He had planned this out perfectly. Eric dug through Clyde's backpack.

"Aha!" Eric whispered.

Eric had found Clyde's homework. He took a stapler and a few porn pictures, and stapled away.

"Enjoy your trip to Principal Victoria, asshole," he whispered.

Later that night, Kenny snuck into Clyde's house as well. He came prepared with a Sharpie. Kenny tried to suppress his laughing as he wrote "I SUCK BIG HAIRY MOOSE BALLS" across Clyde's forehead. As he climbed out the window, he fell and died.

Kyle was at home, talking in his sleep as this happened.

"You... *snore* bastards..."

At 3:00 A.M., Stan snuck out of his house and went into Clyde's front lawn. He put up a sign saying "SUPPORT TERRORISTS! DOWN WITH CAPITALISM!" in Clyde's yard, and left.

Finally, early that morning, as Clyde left his house, he saw the sign. "WHAT THE FUCK?" he yelled.

He didn't realize that Kyle was right behind him. He was wearing a scary clown mask. Clyde turned around.

"CLOWNS!" he shouted.

Clyde ran to school, terrified by the experience.

When they got to class, everyone laughed at the writing on Clyde's forehead.

"What is it, you fuckers?" he asked, clueless.

Mr. Garrison entered the room.

"Okay students, take a seat," he said.

"Except you, Clyde! Go to the principal!" he yelled.

"But first, turn in your homework," he said.

Clyde handed in his papers.

"WHAT IS THIS?!" Mr. Garrison yelled.

Clyde left, unsure what the hell was happening.

That day, as school let out, Butters walked up to the four boys.

"Hey, fellas!" he said, panicked.

"Did ya hear the news?" Butters asked.

"What news?" Kyle asked.

"Clyde's parents got sent to jail for supporting communism!" Butters screamed.

Butters walked away, and Stan looked at the ground.

"Fuck!" he yelled.

Kenny walked up to them.

"Kenny, what'd you do to Clyde last night?" asked Stan.

Kenny remembered his painful death.

"Mmph mmph hmph hmm hmm." he muttered.

"YOU wrote that? Fucking sweet," Cartman laughed.

"No! NOT sweet! Because of what I did, his parents are in prison!" Stan shouted.

Meanwhile, Clyde was trying to get into his house. He knocked on the door. "MOM! DAD!" he yelled. The door creaked open. The place was a wreck. Clyde stood there with his mouth wide open.

"What happened here?" he wondered.


	4. IV: Revelations of the LGBT Club

"Kyle, I had an idea," Eric said.

"Oh yeah? What kind of idea?" Kyle asked.

Cartman had a glimmer in his eyes.

"Is it an idea that's illegal?" he demanded.

"Not at all! I even got Principal Victoria to approve it! She said it would be a good thing to do for the school," answered Eric.

"We should start an LGBT club!" he suggested.

"Wow, that's a great idea!" exclaimed Kyle.

"But how will we recruit people?" he wondered.

"Leave it to me," Eric told him.

That night, Cartman sent e-mails out to every student.

"Attention South Park Elementary,

We have started a club for any Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgender students. If you want to participate, join us at Eric Cartman's house tomorrow at 5:00 PM."

Eric almost hit send, but then he remembered what drew people to the La Resistance meeting. He added the line "We will have punch and pie!"

The next day, Cartman had some preparation to do. "MOOOOOOOOOM! I NEED 4 APPLE PIES AND 4 BOWLS OF PUNCH!" he yelled.

"Honey, you can't have a party," his mother said.

"It's not a party, it's a club meeting. We're having them every Saturday from now on!" Eric explained.

"Oh, how nice! Which club?" she asked.

"Eh... academic club?" he lied.

"How cute!" she said.

"Mom, after you get the food done, can you let us have the house to ourselves?" Eric begged.

"Of course, honey," she told him.

Later that night, Eric's mom left to go "visit the nice men in the parking lot of TGI Fridays".

"That's fucking sick," Cartman thought.

The first person arrived.

"Who is it?" Eric asked.

"It's me, one of your classmates!" said a happy British voice.

"Sexual orientation?" he inquired.

"I thought this was a gay club," the voice said.

"It is!" Eric replied furiously.

"I'm quite joyous, I assure you!" the voice said.

"Pip?" Eric wondered.

"Indeed it is," Pip replied.

Eric opened the door and hit Pip.

"This is a homosexual club!" he shouted.

"I don't understand..." Pip said puzzled.

Eric rubbed his temples.

"Pip, go the fuck home," he sighed.

"Righty-ho!" Pip said as he walked away.

Then, Butters showed up.

"Heya, Eric!" he said cheerfully.

"Let me guess, you thought gay mean happy?" Eric said.

"What?" Butters asked.

"I ran into that problem with Pip," Eric explained.

"No, I'm here because I'm part of the LGBT community," Butters said.

"How so?" Eric wondered.

"Well, I've got a wiener..." Butters began.

"Yeah, so?" Eric said.

"But I've got girl parts to," Butters told him.

Cartman's jaw dropped.

"You're a hermaphrodite?" Eric asked.

"Yup, I'm a hermaphrodite," he answered.

"Butters..." Cartman said.

"Yeah?" asked Butters.

"You are..." he began.

Butters frowned, because he knew insults were coming.

"fucking awesome," Eric said.

Butters smiled.

"Thanks, Eric," he said, grinning.

When everyone had arrived, Eric and Kyle took attendance of every student there. They had, in alphabetical order, Bebe, Butters, Jimmy, Red, and... some other kid. He was in a red shirt and jeans, had blonde hair that was slicked back, and sounded familiar...

"Okay, let's begin by introducing ourselves to one another." Kyle suggested.

"My name is Eric. I'm gay, and Kyle is my boyfriend," said Cartman.

"My name is Kyle. I'm gay, and Eric is my boyfriend," Kyle said nervously.

"My name is J-J-Jimmy. I'm bisexual, and I'm n-not currently in a relationship," Jimmy stuttered.

"My name is Red. I'm lesbian, and Bebe is my girlfriend," Red told the others.

"My name is Butters, and I'm a bisexual hermaphrodite. I have a boyfriend, but he didn't want me to say his name. He'll say when he introduces himself," Butters explained to the group.

"My name is Bebe. I'm lesbian, and Red is my girlfriend," Bebe said.

The other kid sat quietly.

"How about you?" Kyle asked.

The boy cleared his throat.

"I'm gay. I was also born female, but I got surgery to be a male a while back when I stole some money from my parents, so I guess I'm a female-to-male transgender," he said.

"What's your name, though?" Eric asked.

The kid ruffled up his hair.

"My name is Kenny," he said.


	5. Mini Chapter: Buttery Love

"Kenny?!" everyone exclaimed, excluding Butters.

"Yep," said Butters.

Kenny took a seat next to him.

"We've been together since last year," Kenny told them.

Everyone was a bit shocked, but the meeting continued with a bit of talking until it ended an hour later.

After the meeting, Butters went home with Kenny. At Kenny's house, they sat down on his bed and started to kiss. Their tongues were practically fighting, licking each other furiously. They parted, and Kenny sat Butters on his lap. They both took their shirts off, and Kenny began to nibble at Butters' neck. He then slid off Butters' pants and boxers.

"Hold up a second, Ken," he said. Kenny stopped, asking what was wrong.

"Well, I dunno if I'm ready," he whimpered.

"Damn, that's adorable!" Kenny thought to himself.

"Trust me, Butters. You'll do fine," Kenny told him.

Kenny took off his pants, and Butters began to suck his dick.

"Oh, god! That's good, Butters. Wow, you're amazing! Mmmmm, yeah. Ohhhhhhh..." Kenny moaned.

Butters began to finger his own vagina.

"Mmmh, wow, Ken!" Butters said, his voice muffled.

Kenny had an orgasm in Butters' mouth, and he swallowed. Butters bent over and Kenny slid his penis into Butters' vagina.

"Ah!" Butters shouted.

Kenny was grunting at a quick pace, enjoying every moment. He thrust in and out, slowly gaining speed. He began to rub Butters' nipples.

"Aaaaah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" Butters shouted, being rammed by Kenny's cock. He orgasmed, semen going everywhere. Kenny orgasmed as well, inside of Butters.

"Butters, can a hermaphrodite get pregnant?" Kenny asked.

"Nope," Butters replied.

"Thank God. I'm sure we wouldn't be ready for that," Kenny sighed, relieved. They covered up in Kenny's bed.

"Good night, Ken," Butters lovingly said to him.

"Good night, Butters," Kenny told him.

Then they fell asleep.


	6. V: KFC Stands for Kyle-Fried Cartman

"Well, Kyle, we certainly learned a lot last night," Eric said.

"Yeah," Kyle replied.

"Butters is a hermaphrodite, Red and Bebe are lesbians, Jimmy's a bisexual, and Kenny's gay," Eric listed, reading from a clipboard.

"Never would have guessed," Kyle mused, still a bit puzzled.

"See, Kyle, this proves that everyone's the same on the inside. They are the same as everyone else, the only thing that's different is their sexuality. And that doesn't really matter," Eric said, trying to seem smart.

"That would be a bit more profound if you weren't an asshole," Kyle laughed.

Eric laughed along with him.

"You're one to talk, Jew!" he giggled.

"Heh, yeah," Kyle chuckled, twirling one of the curls in his hair.

"You know what?" Eric asked.

"What?" Kyle queried.

"I wonder what happened to Clyde..." Eric said.

Meanwhile, Clyde was sitting on his bed.

"My parents have been gone for DAYS! Where are they? I'm starving!" he said to himself.

"I'm sure he's fine," Eric told him.

"You're probably right," Kyle said, relieved.

"Wanna go get some KFC?" Eric asked.

"Sure, I'll buy," Kyle told him.

"No, I'll buy, it's fine!" Eric insisted.

"Really, it's okay, I can pay for it," Kyle said.

"I thought Jews always looked for a better deal?" Eric cackled.

"Okay, fine. You can pay. Just so you know, I can give you some money if you need it," Kyle decided, slightly annoyed by the joke.

"I can afford it, Kyle," Eric told him.

After the walk to KFC, they walked up to the counter and ordered.

"Hmm, let me find something cheap..." Kyle said.

"Kyle, I said I don't care how fucking expensive it is!" Eric told him.

"You sure?" Kyle asked.

"Yes, Kyle. Order anything you'd like!" Eric replied.

"Okay. I'd like two chicken littles and a side of mashed potatoes, please," Kyle ordered.

"And I'd like the 6-piece chicken bites with a side of potato wedges, please," Eric ordered, surprisingly less demanding than Kyle had expected.

"Can we also get a chocolate chip cake with that too, please?" Eric asked.

"Certainly. Your total is $19.71," the worker said.

"That's awfully expensive, Eric," Kyle worried.

"Kyle, calm your ass! I can afford it!" Eric asserted, handing the woman a $20 bill.

"Thanks," Kyle said, smiling at Eric.

"Don't mention it, Ky," Eric told him.

Kyle giggled.

"You're so cute when you laugh like that," Eric said.

Well, Eric had found a new nickname for his lover.

When they got back to Kyle's house, they ate their chicken and shared the cake.

"That was a good cake," said Kyle.

"I liked the cake, but I liked sharing it with you even more," Eric told him.

They walked into Kyle's living room and sat on the couch.

"Kyle, where are your parents? JewCon?" Eric teased.

"No! Wait... they actually ARE at a Jew convention," Kyle said.

"Oh, cool. How about your brother?" Eric asked.

"Buh buh, buh buh!" Ike babbled from upstairs.

"Dammit!" Eric exclaimed.

"I'll take care of him," Kyle said responsibly.

Kyle walked upstairs into Ike's room, picked him up, and took him to Kenny's house. He found Kenny and Butters sleeping together after they had "alone time" last night.

"Holy shit!" Kyle exclaimed, and shut the door. Butters and Kenny didn't wake up, though. Kyle then tried Stan's house.

"Hey, dude," Stan greeted him.

"Hi. Can you watch Ike for a bit?" Kyle asked.

"Sure, man. Why?" Stan wondered.

"I've... got to go somewhere," Kyle lied.

"Oh, okay. When will you be back to pick him up?" Stan asked.

"About seven," Kyle replied.

"Only two hours? Okay, sure. I can do that," Stan told him.

"Thanks, Stan!" Kyle said happily, handing him Ike and running back to his house.

There was an awkward silence between Ike and Stan.

"So, you wanna look at some of my old coloring books?" he asked, offering Ike a few.

Back at Kyle's house, he and Eric sat on the couch watching "Terrance and Phillip" and talking for about an hour. Then, Eric pulled Kyle in for a kiss. They were French kissing, their tongues battling for domination. They continued this for a while, and then Eric slid Kyle's clothes off, as well as his own.

"I love you, Kyle," Eric said to him lovingly.

"I love you too, Eric," Kyle replied just as lovingly.

"Kyle, let's skip the foreplay this time," Eric suggested.

"Why?" Kyle asked.

"I can't wait anymore, babe," Eric told him.

"Babe? That's corny as hell," Kyle told him.

"Heh, yeah," Eric chuckled.

Eric lay down on his back and spread his legs.

"Put it in, Kyle," Eric said seductively.

"Fuck me like an animal!"


	7. VI: I Haven't Gone Soft

Kyle positioned himself behind Eric. He inserted his penis into Eric's tight ass.

"Oh my God, Kyle..." Eric moaned.

"Does it hurt? Should I pull out?" Kyle asked.

"No, no. It's just a lot bigger than I expected," he grunted.

"Heh, really?" Kyle wondered, flattered by Eric's compliment.

"Remember that one time I was curious and put a banana up there?" Eric reminded him.

"Yeah. That was kinda fuckin' weird," Kyle responded, still thrusting into Eric.

"Well, this feels a lot better," Eric told him.

"Okay, now you're just bullshitting me," Kyle said.

"Nah, I haven't lied to you since before the boat ride," Eric said truthfully.

"You know, Eric, I'm glad we can casually talk like this when we make love. I don't want life to turn into some poorly-directed smut film," Kyle joked.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Eric said.

Kyle was now going balls deep into Eric, his testicles slapping against Eric's ass as he trust.

"Oh god, Ky, I'm gonna cum!" Eric moaned.

"Cum?" Kyle asked, puzzled.

"It's what that white stuff is. It's how girls get pregnant," Eric grunted.

"AH! MMH, KYLE!" he shouted, ejaculating all over Kyle.

Kyle also ejaculated inside of Eric.

"That was awesome, dude," Eric said.

"Yeah..." Kyle sighed, satisfied.

There was a knock at the door.

"Hey fags, what did you do to my parents?!" yelled a familiar voice. The door opened. Clyde stood there, a look of anger on his face.

"CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU CUNT!" Kyle and Eric yelled together.

"Not until you tell me what you did to my parents!" Clyde shouted.

Eric got up and got dressed.

"You want to see your parents again? Fine. You can see them again IN HELL, YOU BASTARD!" he shouted. Eric pulled a pair of safety scissors out of his backpack and started to chase Clyde down the street.

"GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE BITCH!" he yelled. Clyde tripped and fell.

[THE AUTHOR FORBIDS YOU TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT]

Kyle was standing on the steps in only his underwear, still buckling his belt.

"ERIC, CALM DOWN!" he yelled. Eric walked back up the street carrying Clyde's unconscious body. "Kyle, remember those chains I used on you? Do you still have them?" Eric asked.

"DISGUSTING!" Kyle shouted.

"No, no! Just to keep him bound! Not for that!" Eric said.

"Oh, yeah..." Kyle replied.

Clyde was bound in chains, surrounded by sticks and leaves. He had just woken up.

"Where am I? And WHY ARE THERE SAFETY SCISSORS IN MY SHOULDER?!" he screamed.

"Well, Clyde, it's just us here..." Eric chuckled.

"LET ME GO, CARTMAN!" Clyde sobbed.

"Oh, I'll let you go!" Eric said.

"Really?!" Clyde said, smiling.

"Sure," Eric replied.

"I'LL LET YOU GO TO HELL!" he shouted. He lit a match and threw it at Clyde. The sticks and leaves around him burned, as well as his clothes. He was on fire, burning alive. His skin and muscles were melting off the bone, and he was shouting in agony. "WHY, CARTMAN!? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?" he shouted. Eric put him out with a fire extinguisher.

"You... saved me?" Clyde asked.

"Nope!" Eric taunted. He put duct tape over Clyde's mouth.

"You're going to starve, and endure the pain of the burns the entire time," Eric cackled. Clyde had just realized he was in the middle of nowhere.

"Why am I doing this? Because you messed with the most important thing in my life. Kyle!" Eric told him.

"Goodbye, you pathetic waste of space!" he shouted. Eric walked away, and Clyde began to cry.


	8. Mini Chapter: Traumatizing 6th Graders

It had been two weeks since Eric had left Clyde to die. Now he was in a worse situation. Sixth graders had surrounded him.

"Where's your boyfriend NOW, queer?" they taunted.

"I dare you to insult me again," Eric enticed them.

"Guys, guys, don't do it!" another 6th grader said, running up to the group!

"Remember what happened to Scott Tenorman?" he said.

How could they forget. Eric had Scott's parents killed and cooked into chili, even though Scott's father was also HIS father.

"And remember when they found that one Clyde kid's body in the woods?" he panicked. The 6th graders ran away screaming, but one tripped. Eric took his MP3 player, put glue on the headphones, and downloaded the worst song available in 2003.

"Never Leave You" by Lumidee.

He then tied the boy's hands behind his back.

"Tell the others what happened here today," Eric said villainously.

The 6th grader ran away crying.

"Don't call me queer, you pubescent asswipe," Eric muttered as he walked home.


	9. VII: Preparing for the Assault

Eric was in his garage with scraps of cloth and spray-paint. He was making armbands. Not his usual Nazi armbands that he liked to make in his garage. He was planning a revolution. He wanted Kyle to be happy. He wanted justice for the Jews. He wanted to create an era of Naziism, but with Jews. He wanted the others to feel the wrath of Jews. After all, he wanted nothing more than to rule the world with Kyle by his side. He would make Kyle his prince.

Kyle entered the garage.

"Hey Eric. What's that you're making?" he asked.

"Armbands, Kyle," Eric responded.

"I thought you had newfound respect for Jews!" Kyle yelled.

"I do! Look closer," Eric said.

Upon closer inspection, it wasn't actually a Nazi armband. It was blue with a black circle in the center, compared to the Nazi's red with a white circle. In that circle, rather than a black swastika, was the Star of David, painted in white.

"Whoa! These are pretty cool," Kyle told him, admiring the armbands.

"Thanks," Eric replied.

"Why so many?" Kyle asked.

"A revolution, Kyle. We're going to rule the world together. We're going to make the world a better place for the Jews," Eric elaborated.

Kyle's jaw dropped.

"Damn! You're planning a revolution of Jews?" Kyle asked, shocked.

"Yes. Some Neo-Nazis in Germany caught wind of my plans. They've brought Adolf Hitler back as a cyborg," Eric told him, pissed off.

"No wonder I threw up this morning," Kyle mused.

"Also, remember that V-Chip that gave me electric powers? I've implanted some of those into the armbands, giving us weapons. I also had a friend of mine engineer it to be controlled by thoughts," Eric explained.

"Which brings me to my next invention, the armored Yarmulke. Controlled by your nerves, it will create a forcefield around the wearer if he feels the slightest bit of pain," Eric told him.

"Wow, that's amazing. But I don't know if I want Jews to be known for this," Kyle said.

"Adolf Hitler is ALIVE. It's our duty to send that bastard back to Hell, along with that retarded mustache of his!" Eric reminded him.

Kyle put on the armband and Yarmulke.

"But how will we get to Germany? Besides, there's only two of us!" Kyle said.

"Only two? I've got Jews around the world with these babies, ready to move... Terrance and Phillip are helping, too," Eric explained.

Meanwhile, in Canada, Terrance and Phillip were putting on Yarmulkes and armbands.

"Phillip, we're finally fulfilling our destiny!" Terrance said.

"Our destiny is to fart on Nazis?" Phillip asked.

"Yes, Phillip. Yes it is," he responded.

Terrance taped a picture of Adolf Hitler to a tree, lit a match, stuck it behind him, and farted on the tree. It burned to the ground.

The two Canadians laughed uncontrollably.

"But how do we get there?" Kyle asked again.

Eric took Kyle outside.

"That's how," Eric said.

He pointed to an F-18.

"How did you GET that?!" Kyle wondered.

"George Bush is my mom's brother's uncle's cousin's daughter's husband's mom's nephew's second cousin's brother," Eric told him, out of breath.

Kyle paused for a moment.

"Fucking sweet," he said.


	10. Mini Chapter: This Musical Number Sucked

**_Author's Note: The musical number in this mini-chapter is a parody of TheLivingTombstone's "Discord". I own nothing, fair use, blah blah legal stuff. It's all his creation, I just parodied it!_**

Most of the world knew about the revolution now. It was all over the news, and people everywhere were singing a song written by a little boy who hated Eric.

And that song is "Fat Fuck" by Scott Tenorman.

_"I can't stand control freaks,_

_and I'm beginning to think_

_someone has some havoc to wreak!_

_Something horrible is going on,_

_and it's causing quite a fuss!_

_We don't know what we should do,_

_but it may be the end for us!_

_We can't sit idly,_

_no we can't move at all!_

_We curse the name,_

_the one behind it all!_

_Cartman, we cry ourselves to sleep,_

_and all things you're doing now_

_make us all want to weep!_

_Cartman, whatever did we do_

_to make you take the peace away?_

_Cartman, can you just choose?_

_Are you after domination_

_or justice for the Jews?_

_Cartman, we can't take it any more,_

_just take your villainy away!_

_It's fine with us if Jews have rights_

_but not if you're picking fights!_

_It's a darkness with absence of light!_

_A gory catastrophe_

_played by a symphony,_

_what a murderous work of art!_

_We can't sit idly,_

_no we can't move at all!_

_We curse the name,_

_the one behind it all!_

_Cartman, we cry ourselves to sleep,_

_and all things you're doing now_

_make us all want to weep!_

_Cartman, whatever did we do_

_to make you take the peace away?_

_Cartman, can you just choose?_

_Are you after domination_

_or justice for the Jews?_

_Cartman, we can't take it any more,_

_just take your villainy away!_

_Cartman, we cry ourselves to sleep,_

_and all things you're doing now_

_make us all want to weep!_

_Cartman, whatever did we do_

_to make you take the peace away?_

_Cartman, can you just choose?_

_Are you after domination_

_or justice for the Jews?_

_Cartman, we can't take it any more,_

_just take your villainy away!"_


	11. VIII: Cute Little Butters?

As Eric was about to start the F-18, Stan stopped him.

"Eric, I want in," Stan demanded.

Kenny and Butters followed behind him.

"Me too!" Butters said.

"Me too!" Kenny said.

Kenny wasn't wearing his parka. He was wearing a shirt that he had spray-painted "NAZIS SUCK ASS" on.

"Stan, Butters, Kenny, I can't ask you to risk your lives as well. I'm only letting Kyle come because he was bothering me so much," Eric explained.

"And Butters, we're killing people. Are you up for that?" Eric asked.

"We're aware of the dangers," Stan said. He and Kenny got in the F-18.

"Eric, I know what we're doing in Georgia," Butters said trying to seem brave.

"Germany," Eric corrected him.

"Whatever, can I come?" he begged.

"Okay," Eric decided. He equipped the three with their gear and started the F-18. The plane took off, and Eric began navigating the skies. After about 5 minutes, Butters got bored and started to quietly sing.

"Loo loo loo, I've got some apples. Loo loo loo, you've got some too," he sang to himself. Kenny began humming the tune along with Butters. Stan and Kyle tried to shut it out, but eventually they gave in to the catchy tune. Soon, everyone was singing except Eric. Eric was humming along, but was afraid he'd lose focus if he started singing.

An hour later, everyone including Butters had stopped singing. They were sitting bored.

"Hey Kenny," Butters said.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"I spy with my little eye something white," Butters giggled.

"Is it a cloud?" Kenny asked monotonously.

"Yeah, but which one?" Butters asked.

Kenny just sighed. Then there was a boom. Kenny fell over.

"ANTI-AIR GUNS!" Eric yelled.

"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" Kyle shouted. Kenny got up.

"Nevermind," he said.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck... my head is killing me," Kenny said, stumbling around. "Everyone bail out!" Eric said as he leapt with a parachute. Everyone got a parachute and followed.

"Fire some bolts of electricity!" Eric suggested. They started raining lightning down upon the Nazis.

"HAIRY BALLS!" Eric shouted as he shot electricity at the ground.

"I thought we didn't have to swear!" Kyle said.

"I know, it's just fun!" Eric responded.

The F-18 crashed into a building.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Nazi, but I have to kill you now," Butters said as he shot electric down.

"Don't be, Butters! They're assholes!" Kenny told him.

They landed in a street filled with Nazi soldiers, and took off their parachutes.

"HITLER'S ASS JUICE!" Eric shouted as he shot a bomb of static into a crowd of Nazis.

A Nazi soldier shot off Eric's yarmulke.

"Well shit," he said.

"RUN!" Stan yelled. They ran into an alley and lost the Nazi soldiers.

"Goddamn my design flaws," Eric whispered.

"I'll go see if the coast is clear," Kenny suggested.

"Be careful," Butters told him.

Kenny walked out into the street. No Nazis were in sight. He took slow steps forward. "Seems safe," he said, stepping forward once more. He had stepped on a land mine. Kenny looked down.

"Ah, tits!" he shouted.

BLAM! The land mine exploded, and bits of Kenny were everywhere. "Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" Stan shouted.

"You Nazi bastards!" Kyle yelled. Butters slouched down against a brick wall in the alley and bawled.

"This can't be happening! Kenny, no! Why?! Why did this have to happen?" he cried.

Kyle sat down and comforted Butters while Stan and Eric devised a new plan.

"Don't worry, Butters. That's the same way we were going to go. He sacrificed himself for us. It's what he would have wanted," Kyle said.

"No, it's not what he would have wanted. How would you know? You're not Kenny! It's your boyfriend's fault we're here in the first place! If it wasn't for him, Kenny would still be alive, so... so... SO SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH, KYLE!" Butters yelled. Stan looked over.

"Holy shit," he said in awe.

"Looks like Butters finally grew a pair," Eric said. Butters had a look of pure rage in his eyes.

"SHUT UP!" he yelled.

They could hear footsteps. Butters went out into the street alone. "Not again," Kyle sighed.

There were a few gunshots, a scream of anger, and then silence. The others looked to see if Butters was okay. They found a stack of electrified Nazi corpses in the street. Butters was standing on top.

"Let's go kill us a Nazi Cyborg," Butters said, still enraged.

Everyone else could only say one thing.

"Damn, Butters!"


	12. IX: Anarchy

Everyone was impressed by Butters' "killer" instincts. They had a few minutes of walking left to get to Hitler's hideout though. Butters had ditched his armband, and wrapped a bit of Kenny's blood-stained shirt around his head like a bandana. He had also dropped the hat and picked up two assault rifles and some ammo from some Neo-Nazi soldiers. Butters had also had his shirt electrified off in the lightning explosion that killed all those soldiers, and his pants were worn quite a bit. In short, he looked badass. Stan was in the back of the group, and lagging behind a bit. All of a sudden, a hand clamped over his mouth and pulled him away.

Stan was pulled to a Nazi camp. They had some amazingly advanced technology. They cut his head open and implanted a chip into his brain. It was the Mind Chip Mark II, the most advanced mind control device on the black market. Stan was a Nazi soldier now, but not voluntarily.

Eric, Kyle, and Butters were at the doors of the secret hideout. Kyle and Eric tried to hold Butters back, but he broke in anyway. He was shot by three Nazi soldiers, and he collapsed. He lay in a pool of blood. They could only assume the worst. Eric could help, but he had to take care of the most important things first. Eric dragged Kyle away.

"Eric, we have to help him!" he shouted.

"No! I'll go back and help in a minute, I have to protect you first and foremost!" Eric replied. He took Kyle to an old abandoned house.

"Stay here, Kyle. It's safer," he said.

"I want to help," Kyle demanded.

"No! Kyle, promise me you won't leave this house!" Eric said.

"Eric," he said, before being cut off.

"PROMISE ME YOU'LL STAY HERE, KAHL!" he screamed.

Kyle sighed.

"I promise," he said.

"I love you, Kyle. I can't let you disappear like Stan, or be killed like the others," Eric began.

"You are the most important thing in my life. I want nothing more than for you to live. That's why I'm not letting you go. If you died, I wouldn't be able to go on. I love you with all my heart, Kyle Broflovski," he said.

Kyle was in tears.

"I love you too, Eric," he sobbed.

Eric pulled Kyle towards him. They passionately kissed, and when they parted, Eric left.

When Eric arrived at the hideout, Butters' corpse was gone. Eric walked through all the rooms. They were all empty except for one. The last room he checked, he found some captured soldiers being guarded by one Nazi. He was awfully short, so Eric could choke him. The Nazi turned around.

"STAN?!" Eric said, surprised.

"HEIL HITLER!" Stan saluted.

"You poor bastard. I'm sorry Stan, you won't have to endure the pain for much longer," Eric said as he shot his friend. Upon closer inspection, two prisoners appeared dead. Butters was one, the other was Phillip. Terrance appeared alive.

"Thanks, Commander," Terrance said gratefully.

"Is it too late for Phillip?" he asked.

"Afraid so. Sorry," Eric replied.

Eric swore that he would make this effort worth it. For Butters. For Kenny. For Stan. For Terrance and Phillip. And most importantly, for Kyle.


	13. Mini Chapter: Who is it?

Eric took Terrance back to the house where Kyle was hiding.

"Eric, you're okay!" Kyle shouted happily. He ran up and hugged him.

"At least HE is! My leg is fucked!" Terrance said, pulling up his left pants leg to reveal that he had a gunshot wound.

At that moment, the door burst open again. A figure crawled in. They didn't shoot because they didn't know who he was. Whoever the person was, they were in scorched clothing, missing an arm, were badly burned, and had multiple cuts and gunshot wounds.

"Who the fuck are you?" Eric asked, standing in front of Kyle with an assault rifle ready to fire.

"Hey, fellas. It's me," the voice said, coughing and wheezing.

"Butters?!" Kyle gasped.

"We thought you were dead..."


	14. X: Sacrifice

"Yeah, I thought I was dead there for a second too. I actually think I died, but came back somehow," Butters said.

"What makes you say that?" Kyle asked.

"I saw Jesus," Butters told them.

"Sweet! Did he say anything?" Eric asked.

"He told me to tell you guys that he would help us once if we needed it. It takes a lot of spiritual energy to come to Earth," he explained.

"Anything else?" Eric asked again.

"Oh yeah, he said that Eric should lay off the fries or he'll be morbidly obese by 30," Butters replied.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" Eric yelled.

There was a knock at the door.

"Who now?!" Eric whispered.

"I don't know," Terrance said.

The door was kicked open by a Nazi.

"Halten Sie es genau dort, Kyle Broflovski!" the soldier shouted.

"Oh, hamburgers!" Butters yelled.

"Ah, you speak English. I see," the Nazi said.

"Kyle Broflovski, by order of Adolf Hitler, you are to be put to death!" the soldier declared.

"How do you know me?" Kyle asked.

"Christ, half the Jews in the holocaust were Broflovskis," the soldier replied.

"How?" he asked.

"Your great grandmother was a skank," the Nazi told him.

The soldier grabbed Kyle.

"Wait! WAIT!" Eric pleaded.

"What is it, overweight one?" the soldier asked impatiently.

"You're not taking Kyle," Eric said.

"And why not, you tub of lard?" he laughed.

"Because you're taking me!" Eric replied.

"Eric, don't!" Kyle begged.

"It's okay, Kyle. I've lived a good life," he said.

Kyle began to cry.

"Fine! Since I can't carry you, slip this leash on," the soldier told him.

Eric slipped on the leash.

"Goodbye, Kyle," he said. He pulled Kyle in for one last kiss, and went with the soldier.

"What do you want with me, you queef-eating pube smoothie?!" Eric shouted.

"It's not what we want with YOU, it's what we want with your ESSENCE," Cyborg Hitler told him.

Eric stared blankly at him.

"I'm already in a relationship," Eric said.

Hitler ignored this.

"Never before has there been so much of this ONE element in one place. Fat child, you are a walking blob of the world's most arrogant material ever," Hitler said.

"What material?" Eric asked.

"Your soul is made of PURE DOUCHEBAGGIUM!" Hitler laughed.

With that much douchebaggium, I could power a weapon large enough to destroy the UNIVERSE!" he cackled.

"What's its atomic weight? 1337?" Eric asked.

"Yes, actually," Hitler replied.

"Well guess what, you're a robot. I know how to kill a robot. WATER!" Eric laughed.

"No, Eric, water doesn't work," Hitler said.

Butters jumped through an open window behind Hitler and knocked him to the ground.

"Hitler, I've got a riddle for you," Butters said angrily.

"This statement is false. True or false?" Butters laughed.

Hitler stood there for a moment, absolutely motionless. Then his eyes went black. Then he bluescreened.

Meanwhile in Heaven, Kenny was talking to Jesus.

"What do you mean I'm dead? I always come back to life!" Kenny shouted.

"Ah, but you took it for granted, and your blessing was revoked," Jesus said.

"Come on, Jesus! I have a boyfriend!" Kenny begged.

"Very well. You get one more chance. Use it wisely," Jesus told him. Kenny materialized next to Butters.

"KENNY? Oh, hamburgers. I'm going crazy!" Butters screamed.

"No, dumbass, he's alive!" Eric said.

Kenny tackled Butters to the ground and they started making out.

"This is nice and all, but can you two take a second and UNTIE ME?!" Eric yelled. Kyle walked into the room with Terrance and untied Eric.

"Kenny's alive!" Kyle said.

"Should we just let them go at it?" Terrance asked.

"Yeah, they'll tire out eventually," Kyle told him.

They didn't. They kept making out for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes!

"Can we go back to America now?" Eric said impatiently.

"Oh, right," Butters said.

They hopped in a Nazi jet from the nearby airbase and flew back to South Park.

Butters had to get a prosthetic leg as soon as they arrived. Eric and Kyle were glad they were home, and agreed NEVER to do that again. EVER. No, seriously. NEVER AGAIN.

_**Thanks for reading, everyone! I really enjoyed writing this! Be sure to check out the sequel, "The Kyman Effect"!**_


End file.
